


A Sense of Finality

by StarryWrites



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryWrites/pseuds/StarryWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just need to let all your emotions out.</p>
<p>Contains spoilers for chapter 84. Set at some point in the future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Sense of Finality

It was finally over. All the fighting, the constant struggle for survival. Finally over. The Survey Corps returned to base victorious, yet more defeated than ever. They were tired, broken and far fewer in number than when they left.

Hanji walked as silently as she could through the quiet barracks, haunted by ghosts. The deaths of every comrade she was forced to bear witness to ran through her mind - anguished screams accompanied by the sick, wet crunches of flesh and bone were ringing in her ears, the metallic tang of blood filling the air. Hanji crossed her arms in front of her, hugging herself tightly, in a fruitless attempt to exorcise the demons.

She stopped suddenly in front of a door near the end of the hallway. A key was produced from her pocket and for a moment she struggled to turn the lock. When it finally clicked, Hanji hesitantly reached a slender hand toward the knob. She barely brushed it before jumping back, almost as if she had been burned. Hanji squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. With a deep breath and one swift motion, she opened the door and crossed the threshold.

"It still smells like him," Hanji whispered to no one, slowly opening her eyes.

The morning sun streamed through the window, illuminating a flurry of dust motes that had been disrupted by her sudden arrival. Everything looked perfect, almost dream-like. Hanji began to walk slowly around the room, letting her hands run over anything in reach, careful not to disturb Erwin's meticulous organization. Each surface held a different set of memories, from strategy meetings to stolen kisses and midnight trysts, each more a painful stab in the heart than the last.

Hanji paused at the window and looked out at the expanse of buildings. The sun was just barely reaching over the roofs and everything was still. She let her mind drift back to that agonizing day. Of course she had wanted to save the man she loves. Yes, it was incredibly selfish of her but who isn't selfish when it comes to love? She had cried and screamed at Mikasa, tried to rationalize keeping Erwin alive, but she couldn't say what she really wanted too. How could she let those who would serve under her know that she was terrified of having to carry on without him? Her only hope was that her feelings, and a quietly whispered goodbye, reached Erwin in his final moments.

When Hanji finally turned away, tears were threatening to overflow. They were hurriedly blinked away as she headed for the bookcase. It was one of her favorite parts of Erwin's quarters, containing many volumes all in various states of wear. She ran a finger down each spine, recalling the contents of each one. There were books on military strategy, philosophy, poetry and even old fairy tales. Her favorites, however, were the ones about the world far, far away from the walls - about oceans and deserts, lush fields and snowy mountains. She too had wanted to see those sights with the person she cared for most. Those dreams now shattered, she moved to the series of field guides. The set had been well worn by her inquisitive hands over the years. Hanji almost grabbed the bird guide when a small envelope barely sticking out from between botany books caught her attention. A less observant eye would have missed it all together. Curious, she pulled it free. The back of the envelope was sealed with brilliant blue wax and embossed with the initials E.S. Personal correspondence; anything official would have been sealed with the symbol of the Survey Corps. Hanji's breath caught in her throat as she flipped it over. One the front was one word in Erwin's neat scrawl - Zoë.

Her hands began to shake and her heart raced as she carefully broke the seal and pulled out the small piece of parchment.

_"My dearest Zoë,"_ it began. _"If you are reading this, then it would seem that some terrible fate has befallen me. Please try not to grieve. It pains me to think that I might ever be the cause of your tears. I wish only for your happiness, my love."_

Tears flowed freely down her face. She made no attempt to wipe them away. Adjusting her glasses, she continued reading, _"Enclosed with this letter is a token of my everlasting love. I'm sorry that I will not be able to make good on my promise. I hope you will be able to forgive me. My heart always has and always will belong to you. I love you. Eternally yours, Erwin."_

The tears came hot and fast now as her hands shook and fumbled to find the remaining contents. Her fingers eventually found purchase on something metallic, smooth and cool against her flushed skin. Hanji fell to her knees, dropping the letter and now empty envelope. She stared in horrified wonder at the set of silver rings she now held in her hand, the larger of the two strung on a necklace chain. Heavy sobs tore through her body as she shakily slipped the smaller ring onto her left ring finger and clutched the other tightly to her chest. Doubled over in agony, she paid no attention to the way her glasses slid down her nose or how her tears pooled on the dusty wood floor or the sound of her screams and cries echoing off the walls and through the halls.

Hanji didn't know how long she had been crying for when she finally ran out of tears and her sobs turned in rattling gasps for air. She didn't really care either. The sun was warm and her body felt heavy as she drifted into an uneasy sleep, curled up on the floor and still hiccuping her grief.

When she finally regained consciousness the sun was mostly set. She sat up, slightly disoriented, and tentatively reached for the ring hanging from around her neck. With a small, sad sigh she collected the letter from the floor and folded it into her back pocket as she stood up and made to exit the room.

By the quickly fading light, Hanji locked the door behind her closing away her grief until time necessitates it be reopened. She tucked the necklace down her shirt, straightened her ponytail and headed down the hallway again. Hanji held her head high and let her footsteps echo through the halls - her troops need their commander after all.


End file.
